The Tormented Queen
by KokoroNoTomo
Summary: Susan Pevensie not yet forget about Narnia, she just mad at herself, her title and possibly a certain Lion.
1. The Queen's Kind Advisor

A very old fic I wrote a long time ago hence the rough writing.

I don't own Narnia; It belongs to C. S. Lewis.

* * *

"Can't you see the wrong in your way, Su?"

Susan glared at Peter. "No, I'm not since there is no wrong in my way."

"But how can you say that Narnia is just make-believe? You were once the gentle queen there?" Lucy said softly.

Yes, Susan was once the gentle queen of Narnia when her siblings were the magnificent, the just and the valiant. What does the title gentle, good for; in comparison to theirs?

"Because it was make-believe, though it was fun at the time."

"Su…" came Edmund's plead.

Susan turned and braced herself. It would be so much harder to convince Edmund; he knows Susan all too well.

"What is it?"

"Isn't it hurt you?"

"What is?"

"Playing pretend." Susan winced inwardly.

"It is. That is why I stop."

With that, Susan walked out the house as fast as she can manage before the tears fall and slammed the front door shut.

Susan rode the first bus that she sees; she didn't even read the destination, just wanted to go away as far as the money in her skirt pocket would allow her. Susan stopped at the tenth bus stop, looked around and headed toward an old swing in the middle of the deserted children's playground not too far away.

She swung herself up, felt rather silly upon her behavior toward her siblings.

How disbelieve clouded Peter's eyes, how Lucy's lips trembled with tears and how Edmund's face fell as Susan answered his question.

Narnia.

It was not a make-believe thing. It wasn't. It never was. Susan really was a queen there, before the great Lion told her that she was too old for it. That was how pathetic Susan felt she has become, thrown away from her kingdom because she was too old.

Susan reigned there for more than ten years since she was twelve. But then when she came back as thirteen; she was too old?!

"Silly," tears fell freely on Susan's rosy cheeks, and before she knew it, she slumped down on the cold and dirty ground with uncontrollable sobs shaking her entire being.

It was okay for the first two years after her second journey to Narnia; she can accept that she wouldn't come back to Narnia ever again. Even though it hurt, Susan tried her best to understand the reason and searched this world she allowed to live in, for His other form. Heavens know she had tried.

She even retold the stories of Narnia with the others whom ever experienced Narnia; her siblings, professor Kirke, Aunt Polly, Eustace and Jill, but then the stories about battles came too often until Susan couldn't bear it any longer.

While her sibling retold their fights; Susan was left alone to relive the memories of agony and restless mind as she ran the kingdom alone like nothing happened, but couldn't have a blink of sleep, worrying about her siblings and the army's well-being all night long.

How she had mastered at controlling her emotions and arranging her face to remain carefully blank and stoic, keeping the tears at bay to keep her subjects calm and composed while she hid her loss of sleep, appetite and weight, since all the food she ate would come back up at some point, from them. How she prayed and prayed for her siblings and the army's safety, until all she could hear all day and nights were her own chanting.

Susan hated fights; therefore she seldom rode to war. She used to think why they had to solve the dispute with battle? Why couldn't they solve it with negotiation? Why fight if you can talk? Her sibling often called her the wet blanket whenever she voiced her objection of the battle.

That was why Susan was useless in all of it. She refused to March off to battleground if she could think a way or two to avoid it.

Susan even loathsome some of it, since she was the mere reason the battle happened; her mere existence. Oh… How she wishes she had ugly face and physical appearance every time it happened. How she used to curse herself for jeopardized Narnia's peacefulness.

Susan was the gentle one in her family. For some people, in other word the useless one, the vulnerable one. The one needed to protect, when in fact actually she was not.

Susan did hate fighting, but she wasn't the damsel in distress. She was once the marksman Queen; no one could beat her skill in archery. She didn't need Peter, Edmund or for heaven's sake Lucy; to protect her.

Therefore, she hated it when Peter offered to take the grocery bags from her; she hated it when Edmund stand by her school gate to escort her home every time holiday approached and Susan hated it when Lucy stand between her and Claire Storming last semester when she called her doormat.

Couldn't they see that Susan was more than capable to protect and stand her ground? True, she did prefer not to, but that didn't mean she couldn't do it.

Sometimes Susan wondered if she was the reason for _Him_ to forbid her siblings and her to visit Narnia. Susan had caused too much blood spilled over nothing already and if she would grow up once again as the queen she once was, more blood will spill over nothing once again.

' _Poor Peter, Edmund and Lucy, having her as a sister; they could do so much better than being forbidden from visit Narnia to spare her_ ,' Susan though bitterly.

"Where do you hurt?"

Susan raised her face and found herself staring into a set of big innocent brown eyes. "Pardon?"

"Where do you hurt?

"I'm not…"

"Oh… I forgot!" The brown-eyed little girl clapped her hands. "My name is Mallory Greenfolks. There… I have told you my name; I'm no longer a stranger. You can talk to me now. What is your name?"

"Susan. Susan Pevensie."

"Hello there Susan, it's nice to meet you." Mallory smiled. "So… Where do you hurt?"

Susan blinked and wiped her tears. "I'm not."

"Then why are you crying? Did you fall from the swing?"

"No, I'm not," Susan said and picked herself up from the ground.

Mallory held her gaze at Susan for a long moment, shook her head, took Susan's hand and motioned her to sit on the swing.

"I know where you hurt," she smiled and walked around to push Susan's swing up. "It's your heart, isn't it? Are you feeling lonely? It's okay, I'm lonely too."

"Why are you feeling lonely?" Susan frowned, concerned. The Gentle Queen indeed.

"It's just that… everyone think I am weird, but I couldn't care less. I'm being my true self after all," She waved her hands dismissively. "What about you?"

Susan considered her answer. "I think... no. I believe that someone who is precious to me, thinking that I am useless."

"How come?"

"I've made a lot of mistakes and… And _He_ banned me from his land," Susan stopped the swing. "Here, let me push you up."

"Thanks," Mallory smiled, occupied the swing. "Do you think he banned you because he was mad at you?"

"I think so."

"Do you mad at him?"

Susan stopped pushing Mallory and whispered. "Yes, I guess I am."

"Do you hate him?"

Tears suddenly sprang to Susan's blue eyes. "I… I don't… I don't know. I guess I am, but I don't… I don't have any right to be mad at him. I was the one with mistakes. I guess I can understand why he banned me, but it hurts. It hurts more and more until I can't stand it and in the end, I start to get angry at everybody who mentions his name, his land. I get so mad… So mad at him…"

Mallory led Susan toward a bench. "He is matter so much to you, isn't he?"

"Yes. Yes, he is," Susan was sobbing now. "I love him, but I also hate him. I want to meet him, but he banned me and instead told me to search for another form of him here."

"I don't understand."

"Me neither."

"Well… If he asked you to search for other form of him, then don't you think that he wants you to reach out for him? Not the other way around," Mallory frowned slightly. "Maybe he banned you from his land because he wants you to find and love him in your own home or land; whatever it is, your own special place, your own choice."

Susan frowned. "You… You think so?"

"I'm not sure either, but it sounds right, don't you think so? Because if he really hates you or… Or doesn't want to have anything to do with you anymore, surely he can just tell you to back off, right?"

"Yeah… I guess so. It would be… Would be easier for both of us and… And I can just hate him, can't I?"

Mallory nodded.

"So… are you saying that he banned me… because he wants me to be the one that miss and search him, not the other way around?"

"It makes sense. I mean, perhaps… He is the type of person who will miss you to death, but won't do anything about it because he doesn't want to seem like the desperate one or perhaps he just tired being in love with you when you aren't. Perhaps he couldn't fall out of love with you, he decides to wait for you to fall in love with him. Or are you already?"

"I did… I do, but I forgot about him once before. I couldn't see him when the others can, I suppose he hurt deeply by it," tears rose to Susan eyes once again. "Oh… what have I done?"

Mallory enveloped her in an embrace. "Shh…. It's okay. You figured it out now, it's time to set all things right."

Susan took comfort of her tight embrace for a long time, before she released herself from the embrace and took on Mallory appearance. She has a big and bright brown eyes, shoulder length red curls, white complexion with some freckles along her nose bridge and cheeks. Judged by her small frame, she mustn't older than seven years old.

"Who are you?" Susan asked.

"I told you, my name is Mallory Greenfolks," Mallory frowned, clearly confused.

Susan chuckled slightly, wiped her tears stained cheeks. "No, I mean. Who are you really?"

"I don't understand."

"How old are you? Where do you live? Where are your parents or siblings? Susan smiled. "And… why are you so wise yet so young?"

"I am six, will be seven next winter. I live in the orphanage a few blocks from here, therefore I don't have any parents or siblings," Suddenly Mallory grinned widely. "You are the very first person who ever think that I'm wise, the others think I'm a cheeky brat."

Susan smiled kindly at her. "Thank you, Mallory Greenfolks the Wise. You saved me; a sad and confuse lowly traveler. I forever will be in debt to you, Milady."

Mallory giggled. "I like the way you talk, it feels like we are on the play stage. So… my title will be The Wise, huh?"

"Yes, milady."

"What about you? What's your title would be?"

"I don't know, milady should tell me."

"Susan the Charming?" Mallory mused.

"I don't think that would work, milady. In my state, I'm not charming at all."

"But you are so very charming, Susan! So very breathtakingly beautiful, I thought that you were an angel," Mallory frowned as Susan tensed. "But since you don't like the title, then I should call you Lady Susan the Humble."

"The Humble?" Susan tasted it. "I guess I like the title, thank you so much lady Mallory the Wise."

"You are welcome, milady."

"May ask you a question, milady?"

"Sure."

"May I know where we are?"

"We are in the lovely land of High Barnet, milady."

"Oh… my, I have traveled so far," Susan exclaimed.

"Have you? Where do you come from, Lady Susan?"

"Finchley, I took the bus without took notice of the destination," Susan glanced at her tiny watch, a birthday present from her siblings for her fifteen birthday last autumn. "And look at the time; I must hurry if I want to be home before dinner."

Mallory face fell. "So you really aren't from around here. I never saw you before; I thought you just move in."

Susan noticed the sadness in her voice. "Yes, I'm not from around here, milady. But do you mind if I ask you to be my dearest friend? Will you refuse me a right to come visit milady again some other time soon?"

"No! Of course not," Mallory exclaimed, brighten at once. "Oh… please do be my dearest friend and come visit me as often as you can afford, milady."

"Milady is so kind, I'm flattered," Susan smiled. "Then do me the honor to escort milady home so I can visit milady's castle once I can afford to visit the land of High Barnet once again."

So Susan walked Mallory home, hugged, kissed and pinky promised her that she would definitely visit her again soon. As Susan rode the bus back to Finchley, she couldn't forget how Mallory's brown eyes shone with excitement when Susan explained to her that she need a paper and pencil to write her orphanage's address so Susan can send her a letter every now and then, until Susan could afford to visit her.

Susan made a vow that she would not disappoint Mallory; she would make sure to come back. Mallory helped her back to her feet, restored her faith over herself and Aslan. Heaven forbid what would happen if Susan didn't meet her.

As Susan made her way toward the Pevensie household with two big grocery bags for the special dinner, she would prepare tonight, Susan saw her sibling in the sitting room from the large facing the lawn window.

Peter sat too straight in their father's armchair with Lucy sit restless on one of the arms while Edmund paced in front of them. They worried about her and stupidly it made tears spring into Susan eyes, but at the same time warmed her from head to toes.

With a smile, Susan made another vow to herself. Narnia was gone, Susan was no longer a queen and so she would lock Narnia and her memories of it away deep inside her heart and used all the experiences from being a queen in Narnia to be the best Susan Pevensie that England would ever have.

Susan would use what she thought as her weakness in Narnia as her greatest weapon to conquered London; Susan decided she would use her beauty to stand her ground and heaven forbid Susan to give up on searching for another form of Aslan here.

Because Susan would see _Aslan again one day_ and _he_ would love her as much as Susan always loved him, in her own special land. Here in England. And when the time has come, Susan would introduce him to Lady Mallory the Wise; her little savior.

With that vow planted firmly in her mind, Susan walked confidently toward the front door, opened and closed it loudly before stroke toward the kitchen, shouted loudly. "Who want a chicken casserole for dinner?"


	2. The New Librarian's Curiosity

I don't own Narnia; It belongs to C. S. Lewis.

As I have nothing, suing me would waste you time more than mine.

* * *

Susan walked hurriedly towards the Pevensie's two story household, feeling rather angry. She wasn't the careless one, never once, if anything Susan always proud of her ability to remember things. She always remembered where she put her things. She rarely forgot her belongings and when she did, she felt so upset.

Briskly, she opened the front door and left it closed with a loud thud, the ever gentle side of her winced at the noise and recorded her mental note to never behave that way again as she made her way upstairs toward her bedroom as graciously as she could manage in her haste.

She unlocked and rummaged her dressing table's drawer and couldn't contain her squeal of delight as she found her Library's membership card. The thing which she had to walk five blocks back from the bus stop to retrieve.

The books she desperately wanted to stuff her face with finally available to borrow and she wouldn't let her stupidity for forgetting her membership card, stopping her from getting over this obsession.

Mallory had excitedly informed her about these books in her latest letter and Susan has been eager to sink her teeth into these books ever since. It was actually children's literature that discussed about people with magic like ability, people who used it to bring goodness to people; tales of the chosen one.

One must be confused why a beautiful, well manners and well-dressed teenage girl like Susan Pevensie would all worked up upon books that easily considered as dull and silly by teenager her age. It was actually her private and secret quest; she tried to find Aslan in London, England, Earth.

She desperately wanted to know what earth would call Aslan if they ever met and her sensible mind told her that perhaps these people written in the books were in fact the earths' Aslan.

Susan Pevensie, the Gentle Queen of Narnia has long since believed that child's bedtime story held more facts than not.

"Susan is that you?" Lucy's cheerful, childish voice came from the boy's bedroom at the end of the corridor.

"Yes, Lu."

"Come here for a moment, Su!" Peter also called. "Eustace and Jill are here."

Groaned, Susan tried to think a way for an escape and hurriedly stuffed back all the contents of the drawer and locked it. Unfortunately, before she could reach the door, Lucy showed up, grinned widely. Despite herself, she smiled back tenderly.

Seeing her little sister light up like that, there is no way Susan would deny her the joy.

"Can you believe they came all this way from Cambridge for my birthday?"

"It's the day after tomorrow," Susan frowned.

"They know, silly. They said they will stay here for the event. Even Professor Diggory and Mrs. Plummer will join us tomorrow," her face fell as she watched Susan's weary expression.

"You won't join us, will you?"

"I will for your birthday, Lu. I won't miss it for anything. But, you know how I feel about the _stories_. About… you know… _kingdom_ ," Susan said sadly.

"I know, but could you make an exception?"

"I do, Lucy. The dinner is my exception," Susan kissed the top of Lucy's head. "Don't ask for more, please, Lu. I will only ruin your enjoyment."

"Okay. Thank You, Susan."

"Anything for my dearest Nob… I mean, dearest adorable little sister," Susan hugged Lucy small frame briefly; she almost said noble little sister but luckily stopped herself before the harm done. "Tell mother, father and the others, I'll be late."

"Another party?" Lucy asked sadly.

Susan nodded, "I love you, Lu."

"I love you too, Susan."

And Susan stepped out of the house, with guilty weighed her. She hated lying, especially to her siblings, but then again, it's not entirely a lie. She will attend a party at Rosemary's tonight, but not until seven and not for long.

"I'll tell all of you when I succeeded, I will spare all of you the pain caused by failure," Susan muttered as she walked away. "For now, just be patient with me."

* * *

It was nine past fifty by the time Susan entered the Library she'd been a member since her meeting with Malory around a year ago, since she vowed to complete the quest given to her by Aslan all by herself.

 _Where else would you find information if not from_ _the_ _library?_ _It's just like the woods between world Profesor Diggory told her, only it filled with books instead of pools._ Susan thought.

"Hello…" Susan said quietly to the new librarian by the reception desk.

"Hi…" The red haired librarian smiled kindly. "Can I help you?

"I'm here to pick the books I booked to borrow yesterday. Is Mrs. Danned not coming today?"

"I'm sorry to inform you, but yesterday was her last day; her train to Edinburg departs this evening. Can I help you? I'm the new librarian. Not yet as skilled as Mrs. Danned though, so bear with me, please."

"Thank you." Susan offered her hand. "I'm Susan Pevensie, nice to meet you."

The librarian took her hand and shook it gently. "I'm Amy Watson, nice to meet you too. Are you a regular here?"

"Only on Holiday. I'm attending a boarding school, so on holiday I likely come here often, but never on the school year."

"Well, I'm going to see you often this summer then. I bet we are going to be best friends before summer ended."

"I'm looking forward to it, Miss Watson."

"Call me, Amy! Susie… You don't mind if I call you Susie, do you?"

"No, of course not, Amy," Susan smiled assuredly.

"So… Susan Pevensie huh? Wait a second. I guess I saw your name earlier." Amy ducked behind the tall desk, before shot up tall one more. "Ah… here it is. The Tale of Noah and the Arc, Moses: Tale and stories, Merlin and The Magic of The Land of Kings… folktales… medieval legends… Hmmm… your cup of tea is quite aloft, Miss Pevensie."

"Well, yes. I'm rather peculiar," Susan said softly. "I'm simply a bit fascinated with tales."

"No. Not peculiar at all. It Enticing. My faith on the young girl these days has been restored thanks to you, Susie," she smiled kindly. "But you can only borrow three books each time, unless you have the…"

Susan placed her special membership card on the desk, smiled rather smugly.

"I see… Susan Pevensie the beautiful young scholar," Amy chuckled. "Do you mind my asking? Why these books?"

"I just like to know about something… someone," Susan smiled solemnly.

"Do you good at finding information and fact?"

"No, not really. It's been all failure."

"But, you aren't going to stop sometime soon? Amy's eyes studied Susan.

"No," Susan exclaim before added softly. "Never.

Smiled faintly Amy said. "Good! Here are your books then."

"Thank you, Amy," Susan said, enfolded the books and made her way to the door.

"Your welcome… Where are you going?"

"Pardon?"

"Where are you going? Aren't you going to read the books? You seemed so eager a moment ago?"

"I will, but not here."

"Why?"

"I have jobs to attend," Susan said without thinking, before she stammered. She was too young to have a job, much less two. "I mean… Chores."

"You have jobs? How old are you?" Amy asked suspiciously. "I don't think you are old enough to have a job."

"It's not really a job, I'm just helping someone and they just kind enough to pay me some pounds."

"Well… that is what people called job."

Susan bit her lower lip, a habit she often did when she worried. "Please keep it a secret; I kind of need this… The money I mean."

"For what?"

"My quest and my friend."

"What quest and what friend?"

"Uh… It's kind of personal."

"Okay, at least tell me this. How old are you? Where do you live? What kind of job and where?"

"I'm turning sixteen this fall. I live in Finchley with my family. I work as a dishwasher at a small café a few blocks from here until three and as a kitchen staff at Memorial hospital till six. Nothing dangerous or hard, just some table ware to wash and some patient's dinner trays to arrange and deliver. Please… Please keep it a secret. I don't want to cause my employers any troubles; they are just trying to help me. That's all."

"Are you telling me the truth?"

"I swear, I am."

"Alright, I'll come to see you sometime," Susan eyes widen. "Only to check whether they treated you badly."

"Why?"

"Because… You are my new beautiful little friend and I care," Amy smiled sweetly.

Susan stared at her for a long moment, assessed her before said softly. "Thank you. I really appreciate it."

Amy nodded and watched Susan walked out and disappeared behind the large oak door.

"What an enticing young girl. She looks so young yet feel so old," Amy mused quietly reaching for her shirt collar, where a little black device attached. "McBay! Follow the young girl in a dark green dress that just leaves the library. Find out as much as you can about her."


End file.
